


Return to Sender

by tinkertoysdamn



Category: Phineas and Ferb
Genre: Fluff, Gen, Humor, M/M, Misunderstandings, Secret Identity, Spies & Secret Agents
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-20
Updated: 2018-10-20
Packaged: 2019-08-04 20:15:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,116
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16353530
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tinkertoysdamn/pseuds/tinkertoysdamn
Summary: The Flynn-Fletcher family accidentally gets Dr. Doofenshmirtz's mail and he swings by to pick it up.  Hilarity ensues.An excuse for silly dialogue and meta jokes.I was cleaning out my files when I stumbled across this little WIP and figured it was good enough for a oneshot.  Heinz/Perry can be read as platonic or otherwise.Enjoy





	Return to Sender

There’s a hundred and four days of summer vacation, some are grand, others mundane. In the lives of two young boys, the day seemed much like the latter, but they would never know how amazing it truly was until many years later.

A young boy’s voice rang out, a voice filled with hope and never-ending possibility. Phineas was a pint-sized genius with an optimism that could fill the universe. “Ferb!” he called. He raced down the stairs, trying to find his brother. Ferb had abandoned their brain-storming session several minutes before, claiming he needed a snack break. Ferb had not said so in words, but the rumbling of his stomach had made the message clear.

The rest of the Flynn-Fletcher household was gathered around the table. His mother Linda was putting together some sort of snack platter while the others were looking through a small stack of papers and magazines. Phineas looked at the pile in curiosity. “Has the mail come in today yet?” he asked.

“Like two minutes ago and Dad is still skimming through it,” Candace complained.

The patriarch of the family shook the comment off. Lawrence said, “I’m just making sure that we all get the right things. Interfering with the mail is a federal offense, you know.” Although this was true, Lawrence was really just taking his time to tease his eldest child. The poor girl really was quite neurotic. 

Linda looked up from her cheese block and raised an eyebrow. “Honey, why are you reading something from a L.O.V.E.M.U.F.F.I.N.?” Linda asked.

“Oh, this?” Lawrence held up the papers in question. “It’s a newsletter; I think it’s from that pharmacist convention I stumbled into.” He pointed at the address bar. “It’s addressed to a Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz.”

Linda frowned and picked up what appeared to be a letter from the pile. “Doofenshmirtz, the name sounds familiar—“ she muttered.

“I think the mailman gave us his things by mistake,” Lawrence said, trying to finish his thought.

“I think you’re right, Dad.” Phineas and Ferb bounded over to their parents, a _Nifty Scientific Parts Boutique_ held aloft. “See?” Phineas pointed at the cover.

Linda sighed, Phineas better not be picking up bad habits from his older sister. “Hon, it looks like every single one of your catalogs.”

“No, it doesn’t,” Phineas insisted. He stared at his parents with a serious expression, the magazine crumpling with the force of his grip. “It’s in _secondary_ colors,” he said, voice intoning doom.

Linda shared a glance with her husband. “What now?”

“See it’s all purple and green, our catalog comes in primary colors.” Upon a second glance, it was a rather garish cover, but Linda could not for the life of her figure out the significance. Luckily, her precocious son was up to the task. “These are villain covers!” Phineas said.

Ferb nodded in affirmation. “Don’t you know anything about hero/villain color coding?” he asked.

Linda was not impressed. “Yeah, so you’re telling me that this Dr. Doofenshmirtz is a villain because he gets catalogs that are purple and green?”

Phineas’s eyes widened. The thought of besmirching the character of someone he had never met deeply wounded him. “No, I—that’s horrible.” Phineas looked at his brother. “That’s awful, judging someone by the cover of their books isn’t right.” 

Suddenly, a tiny smile graced Phineas’ lips; it was the smile that sent Isabella Garcia-Shapiro into a swoon; it was the smile that inspired Ferb to greater and greater heights of mechanical daring; it was the smile that let Buford know that he was not going to spend another boring day by himself.

“Ferb, I know what we’re gonna—“ Phineas’ eyes landed on a magazine cover that yanked his interest like a moth to a flame. “Awwwww!” he cooed, picking up the copy of _Platypus Fancy._

“This Dr. Doofenshmirtz likes platypuses too, he’s got to be a great guy!” Phineas was still young and children often don’t understand the concept of irony or Aesops. “I bet he’d love Perry. Speaking of which, where is Perry?” 

_Doobyy-dooby-dooby_  
Perry’s gone through a bookcase  
The Flynn-Fletcher’s should look  
Into the structural integrity with all  
Of these secret routes  
Hope the house doesn’t fall down  
Agent P! 

The secret agent platypus of daring-do slid into his chair, his fedora raked at the perfect angle on his tiny head. The massive communication screen flared to life, drawing his attention.

“Good morning, Agent P.” The same face that greeted Perry the Platypus every mission stared at him with a grave expression. Major Monogram said, “I’m afraid that we are in the midst of a crisis!” 

Agent P nodded, waiting for the man to continue. He could only hope it was a real crisis this time and not like the incident where he had to go to Doofenshmirtz’s hideout to see why he was buying so much Tupperware.

“As you know, we keep a constant surveillance on Dr. Doofenshmirtz as part of O.W.C.A.’s efforts to thwart evil,” M. Monogram said.

If anyone asked Perry they kept too close an eye on Doofenshmirtz. The poor man couldn’t go to the bathroom without the type of toilet paper he used being analyzed. 

“Anyway it’s _Carl’s_ job to sort through his mail,” the Major said the intern’s name with a tone that let Agent P know that all of the kid’s nonexistent benefits were under threat, “and we’ve run into a problem.”

“It’s an easy mistake to make, Sir!” Carl protested, shoving his way onto the screen. “They get the same catalog.”

“But one is in primary colors and the other is in secondary!” Monogram insisted. “Don’t they teach you anything at that college of yours?” 

Carl looked away. “Sorry, Agent P.”

Now Perry was concerned, what were they implying? How did Doofenshmirtz getting the wrong mail effect him?

“Agent P,” M. Monogram said, “Doofenshmirtz is currently on his way to the Flynn-Fletcher household to retrieve his mail. Your mission is to intercept him before—“

Perry was out the door before Monogram could finish his sentence. The older man blinked in surprise. “Well that was rude, I didn’t even finish briefing him.”

“He is in quite a hurry, Sir,” Carl said.

Major Monogram glared at his intern. “Shut up, Carl.”

_____________

 

Perry’s heart pounded in his tiny chest. How could this happen? He had always gone through the greatest pains to keep his two lives separate. He lived with the constant threat of being taken away from his host family and being reassigned to a new nemesis if ever the twain should meet. 

He loved his boys and the thought of a life without Heinz was unbearable. Perry had no choice, he had to stop Dr. Doofenshmirtz no matter what. As he rounded the corner, he could see that the front door was open and an all-too familiar face was there, talking to Linda and Lawrence. 

“Hello, are you the—“ Dr. Doofenshmirtz glanced down at the stack of catalogs in his hand, “Flynn-Fletcher family? I seem to have gotten some of your mail by mistake.”

“Is my copy of _Dreamy Teen Idol Weekly_ in there?” Candace shrieked from the kitchen table.

Dr. Doofenshmirtz pulled out a slim pink pastel volume. “This thing? Yeah, they had a little sidebar on Love Händel in here but I really question the journalistic quality of this thing.” He waved his free hand around in disgust. “I mean it looks like a bunch of middle-aged men are pretending to know how teenagers think.”

“Don’t know, don’t care.” Candace snatched the magazine from the startled man and giggled. It was a sound known to terrify even the staunchest of hearts. “I got it! Wait ‘till I tell Stacey!” She raced up the stairs at the speed of light, balancing her cell phone on her shoulder.

“Candace! Candace!” Linda called after her daughter, horrified at her rude behavior. She shook her head and gave Doofenshmirtz an apologetic smile. “I swear I’ve taught her better than that.”

“It’s okay, Mrs. Flynn-Fletcher,” the evil scientist said. “I have a teenager too. She is such a handful.”

Linda tilted her head as she considered a moment. A metaphorical light bulb went off above her head. “Oh, you’re Vanessa’s father,” she said. 

Dr. Doofenshmirtz twitched and jerked his head around, his natural paranoia getting the best of him. “How do you know that?” he asked.

“I take cooking classes with Charlene,” Linda explained.

“Oh, you know _Charlene._ ” Doofenshmirtz's tone indicated he didn’t quite know how to feel about this information. 

“Yes,” Linda plowed on, ignoring his discomfort, “she’s always talking about how active you are in Vanessa’s life and how much time you spend with her.” She lowered her voice to make sure that the boys couldn’t hear her. “Not all exes make the effort for their children.”

Dr. Doofenshmirtz almost looked offended. “Of course I make the effort, Vanessa is my liebchen, the apple of my eye. Why wouldn’t I spend time with her?” He took in a deep breath. “When I was a little boy—“

The Flynn-Fletchers were spared the horror of listening to one of Dr. Doofenshmirtz’s incredibly disturbing backstories by Phineas’ enthusiasm. “Hey Dr. D! Can I call you Dr. D?” Phineas asked.

Before Doofenshmirtz could answer, the boy plowed on, holding up the catalog from before. “I noticed that you get catalogs like my brother Ferb and I do,” Phineas said. “Do you build things? We build lots of things; Ferb and I have been doing it all summer!” 

Doofenshmirtz said, “Well, yes actually I’m—“

“Oh no, boys,” Lawrence interrupted. “Dr. Duffensmutz here is a pharmacist.”

Now the scientist was completely baffled. “Doofenshmirtz, and I know that the labcoat throws people off but why do you think I’m a pharmacist?”

Lawrence perked right up. “I think I went to one of your conventions once by accident and was elected ‘King of the Pharmacists.’” He waved his right hand in a grand gesture, like the words “King of the Pharmacists” would suddenly appear in the air.

Doofensmirtz frowned, the other man looked very familiar. He placed his hands on his hips. “Wait a minute, didn’t I see you—“

Perry was shaken from his stupor. This was no time for panic; he had to act now before Doofensmirtz remembered anything about the L.O.V.E.M.U.F.F.I.N. convention. He was about to take to his feet when—

“Oh, there you are, Perry.” Perry found himself off balance, with his feet dangling in the air. Phineas had picked him up and was cradling the monotreme against his chest. “Come on, let me introduce you to our new friend.”

Wait, Perry couldn’t let himself be seen by Doofenshmirtz, his cover would be blown! He’d be sent away; this was a disaster!

“Hey, Dr. D., this is Perry.” Phineas held the platypus out at arm’s length and shoved the creature at Dr. Doofenshmirtz. 

The scientist raised an eyebrow. “Perry?”

Perry’s heart beat faster. This was it, the moment when he was finally discovered.

Doofenshmirtz bent over to get a better look at the platypus. He frowned while looking at the creature as if trying to figure something out and Perry decided to act; he made his signature churring noise. Doofenshmirtz looked amused at the sound. “He’s kind of cute.” 

Phineas’s face broke out into a wide grin at the approval. “Yeah, he’s a platypus, he doesn’t do much.”

“Really?” Doofenshmirtz looked surprised. “The platypus I know does all sorts of things: scuba diving, kicking, punching, thwarting.”

Linda looked skeptical and whispered to her husband, “Such an active imagination, just like the boys.”

“Do you want to pet him?” Phineas asked.

Perry stiffened in his owner’s arms. No, Phineas did not just ask his nemesis to do that! So what if he and Heinz held hands, watched soap operas and danced to Heinz’s exercise shows? What he and Heinz did during their thwarting was completely different and should be separated from Perry’s life with his family.

Doofenshmirtz looked uncertain. “I don’t know—“

Perry blinked, hoping against hope that Heinz wouldn’t dare—

The first touch of long, skilled fingers scratching the fur on his back should not have felt so good. The aching tenseness of long hours spent battling evil was melting away with each soothing stroke of bitten fingernails against his spine. Perry wanted to keep his indifferent demeanor, but it was slipping away under the gentle, uncertain touch. To his horror, Perry heard himself start to purr.

Heinz had the audacity to smile. “He really likes it.”

Perry would make certain that the scientist would pay for that remark later.


End file.
